Shared Journey

Shared Journey

(Making the Decision to Adopt After Struggling with Infertility)

It takes time and emotional toil to work through the issues of infertility and look at options beyond pregnancy. However, with persistence, the choice of adoption as a way of building a family transforms from a frightening possibility to a reality of wonder and joy.

The emotional burden that accompanies infertility can sometimes seem enormous. Feelings of grief, anger, frustration, disappointment, and the difficulty to overcome a severe loss or attempts to become pregnant place a heavy toll on those who are coping with infertility. Social pressure and expectations of family and friends can compound conflicted emotions. And yet all of these issues must be addressed in order to become a good parent to your adopted child.

It is not uncommon for several years to go by as prospective parents struggle with infertility treatment and loss. Most people grow up assuming that they will be able to have children when the time comes. But if this turns out to be impossible, it could have a terrible impact on one's self image. Sometimes meeting with an adoptee sets the stage right for adoption. Often there is a feeling of rightness, once the decision is made to adopt and when you are united with your child.

The adoption process itself propels prospective parents to work through the emotional aspects of infertility toward parenthood. At some point the prospective parent starts to wonder - what would it be like to raise an adopted child? They find themselves once more in a process of discovery. What matters more - appearance, age, health? How much risk are they willing to take? Such biasing queries need to be justified to the prospective parent either by the family or a counselor.

Fears of adoption
Adoption is more widespread than one might think. Six out of every ten American has had a personal experience with adoption. Two to five percent (2-5%) of American households have adopted children. For the most part adoption works well - only 2-15% of all adoptions disrupt. Fear of rejection, ostracation, more failure or loss, the child's health and emotional well being - all these worries concern prospective parents considering adoption. However, the most significant concern about adoption usually revolves around 'love'. They wonder, "Will I love my child and will he/she love me in return?"

When prospective parents start on the adoption journey, they question what type of love would they have for their child. Would it be like loving the next door neighbor’s kids? Another concern which is brought rather forcefully to their attention is that adoption may be viewed as second best. This attitude may even reflect upon their children, who may be viewed as or may themselves feel as second rates.

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Several concerns related to love are specific to parents who already have children by birth. One of the most significant concerns for these families may be the impact of bringing an adoptive child into an established family. While this is something that parents need to address seriously, the expansion of the family can have many benefits for everyone.

Relief of adoption after infertility
As prospective parents move through the adoption process, their focus begins to shift away from pregnancy - emotionally and physically. Their revised goal becomes one of having a family. This is what some adopters have to say about this:

"When Nancy first started having trouble getting pregnant we said we would do 'whatever it took' to conceive. At that time we had no idea it would go on for 4 years and be so traumatic. We realized we had lost sight of our goal which was to parent a child, not necessarily become pregnant. When we decided to adopt it was like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders."

"After years of working with a specialist and 4 miscarriages, we decided to adopt. We have had Shirley for 6 months now and I have to say, if we had known during the infertility period how great this was going to be, I guess we wouldn’t have tried so hard to have a bio kid. I just can't imagine not being with her or loving her more than I do."

One of the blessings of choosing adoption is that over time there is lessening of envy and anger toward others who are pregnant or have children. These feelings are a common emotional response to the loss related to infertility. To think of infertility can be a gift in some ways, because it creates empathy between couples and their adopted children. After all, they love them, yet occasionally they still long for that birth child. Likewise, the kids may truly love them as their parents and still yearn for contact with their birthparents.

For many people the joy of adoption also brings with it an unexpected healing. This may take time - even years. But while residual loss related to infertility issues may remain, most adoptive parents find that their children bring such blessings that they gladly come to terms with their situation.

Let’s hope prospective parents won't let anything sadden them about the way children come into their hearts and home. The way doesn't matter. It's the children who matter. If there’s somebody who doesn't understand that, feel sorry for them; there are wonderful things they'll never know and wonderful experiences they'll never have!